I didn’t need a mental image of Donald Trump wearing a silk bathrobe. And I absolutely didn’t need to hear a Fox News host refer to the former president and current criminal defendant as “a sex god.”
But here we are, in America in the year 2024. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d very much like to leave the planet.
Former adult film star Stormy Daniels’ testimony this week in Trump’s hush money and election fraud case didn’t just force our minds to conjure images of a bathrobe-clad Trump, it also gave us a description of Trump on a bed wearing boxers and a T-shirt.
Fantastic. And that was just one nausea-inducing part of our recurring cycle of political tomfoolery.
Leave it to Fox News to declare Trump a ‘sex god’
Daniels’ descriptions of her alleged brief — ugh — affair with the man who’s now the Republican Party’s presumptive presidential nominee prompted Fox News host and apparent misogynist Greg Gutfeld to suggest it all demonstrated Trump’s sexual prowess: “Truly, he screwed the brains out of her—that makes him a sex god.”
I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with Mr. Gutfeld or how sewage entered his soul, but I do know that repulsive statement caused thousands of Americans to lose their lunch.
It made me want to pilot a rocket ship into the sun, as it’s clear humanity’s time is up.
Not interested in Trump in a bathrobe? Perhaps you’d like a brain worm?
But before I could find transport off this increasingly ludicrous rock, word got out that a worm had eaten part of presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain.
OH, C’MON! Why’s there never a nearby active volcano to jump into when you need one?
Suddenly headlines in the New York Times are reading like high-level satire: “R.F.K. Jr. Says Doctors Found a Dead Worm in His Brain.”
Apparently, back in 2010, a doctor found a parasitic worm had gotten into Kennedy’s brain, ate a little bit of it, and then died. Given the bizarre conspiracy theories Kennedy has embraced, the worm makes sense, but that doesn’t mean I needed it in my news cycle.
I gotta get out of here.
Trump trial: Stormy Daniels spills details about alleged Trump affair. How will they spin this one?
Trump and RFK Jr. and RFK Jr.’s brain worm should have a vaccine debate
But wait, there’s more.
Trump, mercifully not in his bathrobe, came out of nowhere Thursday and posted a video on Truth Social claiming brain-wormed RFK Jr. — who is primarily known for his dumb and dangerous anti-vaccine opinions — is not actually an anti-vaxxer.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
‘For those of you that want to vote because you think he’s an anti-vaxxer, he’s not really an anti-vaxxer, that’s only his political moment,” Trump said. “RFK’s views on vaccines are fake, as is everything else about his candidacy.”
America is going through a ‘Dumb and Dumber’ phase
First off, what is this? Is it a contest to see who can do the most public health damage? Oh, you think YOU’RE good at telling people to ignore sound medical advice, get a load of MY reckless disinformation.
Second, saying RFK Jr. isn’t “really an anti-vaxxer” is like saying Billy Joel isn’t “really a man who plays piano.” It’s kind of his whole thing.
So I’m going to be heading for a large tree somewhere in the woods, because, frankly, “sex god” Trump vs. a Kennedy with a brain worm is not something I had or wanted on my reasons-to-remain-a-part-of-society BINGO card, thank you very much.
We all need to get out while we still can
We are awash — awash, I tell you — in extravagant nuttery. And there is no end in sight.
I don’t know if the answer is a life off-planet or taking a header into a volcano or finding a comfortable tree in which to live out our days.
But I do know this: We gotta go, people. Our time here is up.
Check, please.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: RFK Jr’s worm and Trump’s hush money case gave us a crazy week