How do you and your partner handle a disagreement? Does it ever get heated? Do you talk it out and move on? Or something in between?
I’m in the refreshing position now in that I don’t fight with my long-time partner. At most, we bicker lightly, and I’m grateful for it, as I’ve been tangled up in a few vicious arguments as a younger man, with screaming and all the nastiness that accompanies it.
Researchers have studied the commonalities and differences between how happy and unhappy couples fight. And these patterns are worthy of examination.
A look at trends from positive couples
Charles Duhigg and a team of researchers ran a study of couples across the United States, which was documented in his book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. It was comprehensive and unlike any other in history. They discovered that all couples fight to some degree — but they varied significantly not just in style, but in their impact on the relationship.
One of their initial hypotheses was that happy and unhappy couples fight about different things. Researchers initially thought that unhappy couples fight about big things — splitting bills, managing childcare, and how they spend their time. They also assumed happy couples only fought about trivial things.
The opposite was true. Happy couples are more likely to fight over things that mattered. Per Dr. Amy J. Rauer, professor of child and family studies at the University of Tennessee, happy couples argue with a solution in mind. They make it their goal to shrink an argument, rather than enlarge and elongate it. Conversely, unhappier couples often had a disconnect on what an argument was actually about. One partner would think it was about the expression of emotions, while the other was focused on solving the problem.
The partner who was emotionally focused often got mad that they weren’t having their feelings heard and understood. Whereas the solutions-oriented partner was confused as to why their partner kept getting more upset, and getting frustrated that they were being too dramatic.
It’s hard to write an article like this without immediately thinking of examples from my own life. Many years ago, I went through this firsthand and reacted to it completely wrong.
My ex-girlfriend got extremely emotional during discussions. She’d gladly elevate to a screaming match, and go shout for shout if you wanted to, until her vocal chords blew out. I went from being solutions-oriented, and perhaps overly cerebral with a problem, to being completely derailed, jumping into the shouting match, which was a testament to my own immaturity. And I can confirm firsthand that raising your voice solves nothing, unless your goal was poisoning the well of a relationship.
Partners in happy relationships tended to lean back more in these heated discussions, taking time to listen, and pausing before replying. They didn’t even think about arguments from an adversarial view. They exercised control over themselves and demonstrated to the other person that they were actually listening and cared about their feelings.
They spoke to specific concerns the other person was sharing, and brainstormed ideas and compromises to solve the problem. There was a clear goal in mind rather than escalating.
Being responsive to a partner is fundamental to happy relationships. Per Dr. Amy Canevello, this means, “They are warm, sensitive to their partners’ feelings, and want to make their partners feel comfortable, valued, listened to, and understood.”
For example, one of the sources of heartburn I’m going through with my spouse, is the potential of moving. She’s an academic and really loves the idea of living in a big city, like New York City, or Washington DC. She loves the career prospects of those cities and the lifestyle they offer.
It’s a non-starter for me. Life is too inconvenient, busy, loud, and expensive in big cities. I’ve been-there-done-that. We’ve had ongoing discussions that have at times been uncomfortable. But I’ve made quite a few concessions and listed out states and cities I’d be happy to live in or near. And I’ve softened my initial hard stances on places I’ve refused to live.
It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve reexamined my assumptions and considered that I could possibly enjoy living in places I’d written off. She has also loosened her criteria of only living in a big city.
And that give-and-take has helped us navigate through the biggest disagreement we’ve faced — without having to throw dishes at each other or raise our voices. Which, I’d argue, is a testament to our conviction for each other, and the health of the partnership.
Conversely, the saddest thing is that near the end of a toxic relationship, blowouts can happen over the most trivial things. I was speaking with a fellow divorcee, Beth, who jokingly said, “I knew that when the mere way he chewed Pringles chips was driving me nuts — the end was nigh.”
The other counterintuitive finding about happy couples
With hard-to-solve problems, some couples strategically chose not to engage with them very often — because they knew they wouldn’t be able to solve them easily. Instead, they focused on problems they could resolve, and delayed confronting the final boss of their relationship.
Over engaging with a hard-to-resolve topic can force a couple to think about their overall compatibility more — in a bad way. But continually resolving smaller disputes banks up successes they can cash in when they are ready to cross a difficult bridge.
Conversely, unhappy couples tend to try to control each other during arguments. They use phrases like, “You need to stop talking,” “Well, you need to work more,” “No, you need to stop spending so much.” Which only escalates the fight.
They also think about arguing from a spectrum of “being good at it” like you are a lawyer. Assuming that winning and losing are end goals of the discussion makes the dynamic far too competitive.
Some tips for controlling an argument from spilling over
Years ago, I learned from a marriage counselor about the importance of controlling the scope of an argument.
If you’re having an argument about, say, splitting the cost of rent — keep the discussion about that. Resist the urge to hurl in your grievance about your partner’s dog barking at night, or your mother-in-law being difficult during the holidays. Keep it focused. And if the other person tries to bring in other stuff, resist the whataboutism — because that’s how arguments end up escalating rapidly.
And that isn’t always easy. If you grew up seeing your parents shouting and arguing all the time, as I did, it’s easy to fall into that trap and start arguing in an unhealthy way.
Per licensed psychotherapist, Sharon Martin, humans have a remarkable and troubling ability to repeat the trauma and toxic patterns we grew up around. We were shown these patterns of behavior when our brains were vulnerable and still developing. Repeating that modeled behavior is innate. It also becomes a subconscious way of taking ownership and mastery over the toxicity we witnessed. But this doesn’t need to be the case.
As a reminder for you, and for me, remember to slow down your disagreements and listen to the other person. Pause before replying. Make it a goal to shrink the problem rather than blow it up. If it becomes an emotional argument, reframe it to be solutions oriented.
And always resist the urge to shout. It’s verbally abusive and rarely solves anything in a relationship.
I’m a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.
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