Why You Really Should Talk To Strangers

Yesterday, I was standing in line at Subway. A thin man in front of me, who had silver short hair, and who was hunched over slightly, was ordering his food and having trouble hearing the employee. He was in his 60s and shuffling lightly as he walked, aching from some unseen ailment.

As he waited for his sandwich to heat up, I said from behind, “So we are in the black socks and sandals club I see.” I pointed down, and he also looked down, noticing our equally dorky, don’t-really-care attire.

We began talking and he casually said, with a wince, “Today is another good day. I’m up here, instead of down there.” And mirrored my downward point, but to signal being buried.

Then, he said, in a matter-of-fact voice, “I’m originally from Tennessee.”

He added that his unhealthy life had finally caught up to him, and that he was taking it day by day. I resisted the urge to ask him what was wrong, though I speculated he had cancer. I said, “It’s all about gratitude. One day at a time. Right?”

He smiled and nodded, “You’ve got that right.”

As he and his wife left, I sat wondering what would be of the him. I was glad to have initiated the conversation. I suspect if he was bedridden, this was the only conversation he’d have with outsiders in a given day, and I’m sure it was good for him, as it had been for me.

For my entire life, I’ve rather enjoyed chatting with strangers, even if only for a few brief moments. It has sometimes embarrassed a girlfriend or two. But I can’t help it. Even before strangers inspired characters in my writing, I’ve always found people interesting and unpredictable. We’re not unlike chimps in that way.

The benefits of chatting someone up

These subtle interactions with strangers are the subject of recent research with academics. Psychologist, Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, conducted a study where they asked a group of adults to chat with an employee who was making their coffee. They wanted to see how these people would react if they treated the employee like a fellow human, rather than a coffee mule. The result was that they felt a stronger sense of community, and were in an improved mood. Which was a win-win, because it also made the employee feel better.

They conducted a second study where they created a social scavenger hunt using an app. People were given a daily challenge. It would, for example, say, “Talk to someone wearing a hat.” Or, “Chat with someone who is standing in line with you.”

The result was quite positive, not only improving people’s moods, but giving them more confidence to socialize and converse with people. They had lower fears of rejection. It also made the recipients feel better because they felt “seen” in a world that can feel so indifferent.

Scientists call these “minimal social interactions” because they tend to be brief, and carry less commitment and baggage that other social relationships might. The benefits of these interactions are good no matter how social you are to begin with, but are especially beneficial to happiness if you tend to feel lonely or don’t socialize enough.

It reminds me of the old men I see hanging out at my local mall all the time, just sitting in chairs between stores, or as I call them, “boyfriend chairs”.

Perhaps they are on to something. Or perhaps they are widowers, looking to get out of the house and mingle with people and feel better. And here I was thinking they were just being cheap and looking for free air conditioning.

Some confounding factors

I would encourage you to read the situation correctly. People don’t usually mind talking, and generally appreciate it — but be mindful if you are bothering them when they are super busy, managing children, or just appear upset or in a bad mood in general. Pay attention to their body language as well. If they remain closed off after the initial interaction, perhaps find an easy way to move along.

The most common fear is exactly this — that you will be rejected. You shouldn’t. We often have a negative bias of how an initial conversation went, also called a “liking gap”. I’m sure many of you have also walked away from a conversation with someone you wanted to make a good impression with, thinking, “Why did I say that? They probably don’t like me now.” And sadly, this bias causes people to avoid further interactions because they hate the judgement it brings.

Dr. Erica J. Boothby, professor of psychology at Cornell University, ran a study on exactly this. Subway commuters were asked to strike up conversations with strangers. Beforehand, they were asked to predict how many strangers would reject having a conversation with them. The participants predicted that half of strangers would reject them. In reality, not a single rejection occurred. The strangers seemed perfectly happy to chat with them during their commute.

Which flies in the face of the participants other prediction: that chatting with strangers would make their commute significantly worse. It was the opposite.

When I was in San Francisco last year, we drove out to see the Redwood Forest. While there, I saw an older woman with a Miami heat shirt on. She was surrounded by a pack of grandchildren, and waiting for a few of them to come out of the bathroom.

I happened to be wearing my University of Florida shirt, and took the opportunity to walk over and talk with another Floridian, who was also a long way from home. We talked for about 2 to 3 minutes, about where we were from and how long we were in town for, etc. As I said my goodbye, I remember she gave me the biggest smile, and really seemed to appreciate my having said anything. And so, anecdotally, my experiences do echo all of the findings in these studies. I generally enjoy talking to strangers and they seem to enjoy it back. And this is a reminder not just for you, but for me to keep trying to initiate these conversations.

And you never know how these things might go. The two closest friends I have are people I initiated conversations with. I met my buddy Blaine after seeing he’d carved a guitar shaped chair for our art class. I was really into guitar, and we began our friendship from there. I met my buddy Mike after seeing he was into playing drums, and we began hanging out and jamming together. A few years later, I was the best man in his wedding. So don’t be afraid to ask to hang out with someone or even to get their contact information.

Everyone is so standoffish these days. Insecurity and various negativity biases spook us from interacting with each other. Don’t overthink it. If you are curious to learn something, ask the person a question (within means). Smile and seem genuinely interested. You’ll make them happy, and yourself happier just by doing it.